Destiny has its own plans.

Since I never wrote any more posts about our struggles after the 4th IVF Stimulation, it is quite evident that it wasn't a success. Sorry for disappointing those of you who were rooting for us :( 

I wouldn't lie that we didn't have high hopes ourselves. When you realize that an era has come to an end and all you are left with is an emptiness within, then that surely isn't the end. Ain't that right?

One thing that we as a couple decided was to "not give up". Technically, we are done and dusted, but we still have options like surrogacy and adoption. Don't we all love being hopeful in one way or the other. That's called "being optimistic, vulnerable and human".

As this is my comeback post on my "Infertility Diaries", I am leaving it as a thought-bubble for you; no smooth touches with my words or formatting. I promise to come back with a post with insights and details, soon enough. Till then, keep hanging in there... with loads of hope!

To live without HOPE is to cease to live

After taking the big decision and discussing it with Dr. Rashmi Yogish, she scheduled the 4th IVF Stimulation/ OPU in Aug' 16. All preparations were done, mentally, physically, financially and spiritually; the wait was for a miracle to happen soon.

Although, 17 oocytes were obtained after the stimulation, only 5 blastocysts (all Grade A) were cryopreserved. Dr. Rashmi swore that all my blastocysts were EXCELLENT (as perfect as a textbook diagram) and that these would definitely bear fruit, a baby.

In the consecutive month, 2 Day-5 Blastocysts (Expanded and Hatching) were trasnferred under Frozen Embryo Transfer. But as the fate was pre-decided, none of my beans attached to my womb.

Me and my DH have gotten used to this struggle, pain, disappointment and much more, but I really wonder how it would be when I conceive and deliver. I really want to see a flower bloom in the desert. Hope, someday it does.

We are still not losing hope!!!

Decision time: "4th IVF Stimulation" or "Using donor gametes" ?

May to July '16 was more of family joys and less of emotional turmoil. After getting back to Bangalore, I met Dr. Rashmi Yogish on my Day-2 of the next month, and the question remained the same: "Another IVF Stimulation" (4th to be precise) or "Using both donor gametes"?

My DH and I had different views this time, again. He insisted to go for donor gametes, however I wanted to go for the last stimulation. My logic was that if I have to go through all the physical pains of IVF procedure just to try if I could experience motherhood, then why not exhaust my egg reserve than using someone else's. No! I do not have a problem with donor concept but I still have hope; maybe it's not the egg/embryo quality in question but the environment where the embryos are expected to florish. However, ERA test conducted proves that my uterus is Receptive.

Also, it feels a little weird to me. Imagine, I go through the entire IVF process, successful pregnancy, labour and child-birth and then have a baby who neither resembles me nor my DH. WHAT!!! Wouldn't it be super-obvious that either we accidentally got our baby exchanged in the hospital crib or used donor gametes? Come on! If you are so OKAY about the no-resemblance part, then frankly speaking, adopting a child is the best solution! Unfortunately, in today's age also, infertility is treated as a taboo topic and an inauspicious thing. I am not sure how well it is treated outside India but we Indians are driven a lot by "what will people say/think?" and that is more disturbing and frustrating than not being able to conceive. Living in a metropolitan city like Bangalore, I have peer-pressure, I feel horrible for the women in rural areas where women are abused and treated as outcast.

Doctor was in agreement with my logic and wanted to give it a one last try before concluding that its the uterus which needs attention, and not the embryos.

So, we all agreed to go for the last IVF stimulation of my life! Yes, it was a declaration. I have no idea how much one stimulation could  impact one's body, and here I am daring for the 4th one. Frankly, even if this fails, would taking so much risk with my body be a complete waste? Huge amount of money spent on so many IVF cycles can still be earned, but health gone bad once cannot be undone.

Anyhow, we went ahead with the decision of doing OPU in Aug'16.

Moving on with life and inferility

After a positive (although failed pregnancy), my faith on Dr. Rashmi Yogish grew further more. I had total of 4 Day-5 Blastocysts (best one's which survived), out of which two were used in the Nov FET.

After a break of 2-3 months, letting everything come back to normal, my 2nd FET (1 Day-5 Blastocyst) in Mar'16 was a failure too.

Consecutive month was my 3rd FET (1 Day-5 Blastocyst), i.e. in Apr' 16. Despite all possible permutations and combinations of medicines and methods, 3rd FET was also a failure.

Highly disappointed and angry with my fate, I went to visit my parents for a few weeks (that's when I was not writing posts).

I not only refreshed my mind and mood, it also helped me and my DH take a call on what to do next. The question was "Another stimulation with DS" or "Using donor gametes".

My first ever... Pregnancy & Miscarriage :`(

The IVF Stimulation done in Sep’15 was my 3^rd attempt. Mostly, after every stimulation, if there is no Fresh Transfer done in the same cycle, Fertility Experts give your body a good 1.5 months of resting time. After the stimulation, I was on Tab. Primolut-N (twice daily for 7 days) and Tab. Cabgolin (once a day for 10 days) to normalize the hormones and put an end to all the chain reactions resulting from overworked Ovaries and all other organs involved.

After I got my period in Oct, I was put on Tab Ovral-L for 21 days and was asked to come back only on Day2/3 of Nov's period. This waiting time could be very tricky, depends how you tackle it. I chose to be positive and prepare myself for a good news. I utilized these 40-50 days to re-arrange my closets, cabinets, etc. I made all comfortable clothing handy, being super-optimistic. I worked out well and ate healthy food too; although I eat healthy food all the time but I added more nuts, fruits and greens in my diet.

I got back to Nova Bangalore in Nov’15 and was prescribed Tab. Progynova, Estrodiol Gel, Inj. Susten and Cap. Susten with a strict routine and timings to follow. Dr. Rashmi added an Intralipid Infusion on the day of my Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).

My beta hCG Test was due 14 days post FET. ALAS, IT WAS A POSITIVE RESULT! Repeat test confirmed my pregnancy, although the values weren’t doubling as expected. I got other necessary blood tests done, as directed by Dr. Rashmi. First time ever, I got Gestational Age (GA) mentioned on my file… First time ever, my tears weren’t of pain and sorrow but of joy and happiness. As per my Expected Delivery Date, I should have delivered a baby by now, Aug’16, but it was a short-lived moment of happiness. After my second endovaginal (EV) sonography, my doctor was tensed. She directed me to get a more detailed Early Pregnancy Scan done by an expert. Unfortunately, by then I had some bleeding and Early Pregnancy Scan showed an empty sac :`( Also, beta hCG done on the same day showed a dropped value. 

My First Pregnancy became a miscarriage :`( :`( :`(

OPU and Embryoscope done by Dr. Rashmi Yogish at Nova Bangalore

I got 18 oocytes picked-up in Sep’15, out of which 12 became zygotes (10 were Normal, 1 Abnormal and 1 Degenerated). We used Embryoscope in order to pick the best embryos to use; it is a time-lapse system for observation of embryo development under necessary physiological conditions required by a living embryo while they are in the IVF laboratory. This service was offered at Rs.15000 in Sep’15. Each DS sample came for a price of Rs.5000.

Since we were using ADI/DS, we used two different blood group samples instead of the universal "one sample" rule. That idea was Dr. Rashmi Yogish’s… I told you, “she knows her stuff really well”.

Out of 12 zygotes, 11 were observed under Embryoscope for at least 5 days. Nova Bangalore did share a video with us, showing the growth of each zygote for 100 hours in a fast-forward mode. 4 embryos were cryopreserved (3 were Day-5 and 1 Day-6), which were of Cavitated Blastocyst (CB) & Hatching Blastocyst (iHB) cell state. Two cryotops were used to store the two blood types separately.

I was given a month’s break to get my hormones back to normal state, skipping a Fresh Transfer in the same cycle. Next month was action-packed.                                              

And I am back after a short break

I am sorry that I stopped telling my story at a very crucial juncture. I had my reasons to go on a break, which lasted a few weeks longer than expected; will update about it later. I shall be regular now on. 

Cheers!